He Wants A Divorce But I Can’t Let Go

by Fergal of Claddagh

I recently heard from a wife who kept talking about how she wasn’t going to be able to let her marriage (and her husband) go. Her husband of several years had just filed for a divorce. The marriage had been struggling for a while, so she knew that divorce was a possibility. But, now that the reality of the situation was right in front of her, she was devastated and didn’t want for things to proceed.

She said things like: “I know that he’s filed for divorce but I’m having a hard time even wrapping my brain around the thought of letting go. I can’t stop thinking that it will never be over for me. And I can’t even fathom not having him or this marriage in my life.”

I do understand these thoughts. They are quite familiar to me. I felt them myself, but the situation that the wife was describing was one that I rarely see end well. For the past several weeks, the wife had been following the husband around, engaging with him, begging him to stay, and trying her best to make outlandish promises that were silly even to her own ears.

She knew that this was likely only hurting her outcome and she knew that she was coming off badly, but she just couldn’t seem to stop herself. The desperation and fear was beginning to take over. She wanted to know how to begin to learn to let go and loosen her grip because she was worried that her husband was going to begin to avoid her. I will tell you what I told her in the following article.

The husband’s stance in this situation was pretty clear. He wanted to be let go. In fact, he had filed the paper work to make this happen. Does this mean that the marriage doesn’t stand a chance and that the wife should just give up? Of course not. But, she wasn’t likely to gain any ground on the path that she was on either.

And, if she continued to cling so tightly to him, she ran the real risk of him just limiting her access to him. He might begin to avoid her even more. He might stop taking her calls. He might stop listening to her altogether. And all of these things might mean that she was going to have a very hard time changing things.

So, she had to be smart about this. And deep in her heart, she knew that her behavior was beneath her and wasn’t helping her cause any way. She just couldn’t seem to stop this because she was so afraid of having to let him go for good. What she needed to understand was that sometimes you have to downplay the fear and play up the fact that you are working with him on a common goal. She needed at least some access to him and she wasn’t likely to get it if she continued on the way that she had.

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I told the wife that at least for right now, she was probably better off focusing on the relationship between the two of them without worrying whether that relationship would continue to be called a marriage. By changing her focus, she might begin to change her access to him and the way that he was perceiving her.

So, I asked her to consider telling him that she regretted the way that she had been clinging so tightly and coming on too strong. I wanted for her to explain that she had thought about it, and had realized that it was their relationship that was most important to her. They had known each other for a long time and he was vitally important to her. Because of this, she was willing to redefine the relationship in order to maintain it.

Now, of course she didn’t want for the relationship to no longer be a marriage. You and I both know this. But, changing strategies was likely going to mean that the husband was no longer guarded or non receptive when he was around her. These things are very important because if they were not present, the wife was going to have a very hard time gaining any ground at all.

I have to be honest. In my own situation, it’s not as if I suddenly developed some unforeseen willpower and woke up one day deciding I was able to finally let my husband and my marriage go. It didn’t work this way. Instead, I became so sad about what was happening, I went home to my parents and my friends because I just needed to see supportive faces that I knew wanted to see me. It wasn’t like I was giving up but I just didn’t know what else to do since the track I was on wasn’t getting me anywhere and was just making me appear to be more and more out of control.

And, this was probably the best decision that I made, although I sort of lucked into it. Because even before anything changed with my husband, I began to feel better and more in control of myself. I was still reeling from knowing that my marriage might be over, but I was no longer so close to the situation that I couldn’t seem to get control over my thought process. Slowly, I began to see things more clearly and I began to at least accept that things might change.

I’m not saying this was easy. It wasn’t. But, as I look back now, I realize that I didn’t really have much of a choice. If I kept on the way that I was going, my husband was going to force me to let him and the marriage go because he just didn’t want anymore of my drama. Removing myself from the situation forced me to loosen my grip and this eventually helped tremendously because when I came back, he was much more receptive to me.

Sometimes beginning to at least entertain the thought of letting former strategies and behaviors go is the beginning of letting in new outlooks and behaviors that are what end up improving the situation. I can’t arbitrarily promise that beginning to loosen your grip means that you won’t have to eventually let go to some things, but it often means that you can begin to save others. And one of those things is the self respect that you will need to begin to improve this situation on many different levels.

When my husband moved out and told me he wanted a divorce, I did not understand these principles and I refused to let go of him and the marriage in completely the wrong way. I stooped to negative behavior that only drove my husband further away. Thankfully, I soon realized my mistake and decided to approach things from another angle and this eventually worked. You can read a very personal story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/.

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